‘Blessed is he whose own faults keep him from seeing the faults of others.’– Ali ibn abu Talib
Lots of times when I stumble upon comments towards hijabi instagram bloggers I literally get sad. Because, intentionally or unintentionally I’ve become a hijabi blogger of influence myself.
I get why people want us to be perfect, I really do. I get why people wish for us to be perfect, BUT I don’t get why they EXPECT it.
There’s a difference, a very big one indeed, between wishing and expecting something from someone.
I want to tell you all a story about me.
About two years ago I thought I was the most religious person. I really, deeply within myself thought that I was at the HIGHEST pitch of my imaan.
Now, when I look back the only thing I can do is pity myself for even having such an ignorant, backwards mentality.
This is something I want to share with you all, because so many of these ‘advising’ sisters/brothers think that changing the way you dress is going to help boosting your imaan. Maybe. Maybe, it works sometimes, but trust me not always. I’ve been there. I’ve tried to be ‘a perfect muslim’, do you even hear how stupid that sounds?
‘the perfect muslim’.
Two years ago I started wearing the jilbaab. Jilbaab, khimar, the whole thing. The only thing that was missing was a Niqaab.
I walked around with pride, I thought I was representing my religion SO well. I’m actually so embarrassed to even say this, but it’s true. I thought that by covering as I did I would be the closest to Allah like ever before.
You know what the truth is?
I began to look down upon the women who didn’t dress like me.
Whenever I saw a girl wearing pants or even LOOSE TROUSERS I’d feel much better of a muslim standing next to her. ASTAGHFIRULLAH. I actually can’t believe I’m sharing this with you all, because this is something that I’m really ashamed of admitting.
As sad as it is.. wearing the jilbaab made me ignorant. At first I thought I was getting closer to Allah, closer to my deen, but no.. I swear, in my heart I was so far away from Allah, and I didn’t even realize it, and that’s the scariest part.
I’m so thankful that Allah helped me out.
I was not ready. I was NOT ready to wear a jilbaab and cover completely, I just wasn’t ready to represent something so beautiful and make it ugly.
In my heart I felt ugly. I did.
So now tell me… how would it help to portray myself as ‘the perfect muslim’ and actually be crap on the inside.
I was a ignorant. And I didn’t become ignorant before I started wearing the jilbaab.
I’m not saying that sisters who cover from head to toe with a jilbaab or niqaab are ignorant and arrogant. Not at all. I’m just saying that I personally was not at all ready to dress like that. Instead of it getting me closer to my deen, it took me far away.
After a couple of months I decided to dress as I do now, because at LEAST, I wouldn’t look down on any muslim woman standing next to me, even if she was wearing a bloody bikini. That’s NOT what my religion teaches me. Astaghfirullah.
I’m thankful, Alhamdulillah. I’m so thankful that Allah opened my eyes. I know a lot of people are going to find faults in this as well. It’s alright. It’s okay. It’d only be weird if people didn’t.
In shaa Allah, one day Allah gives me the actual strength to cover up properly. One day, I’ll wear the jilbaab with a clean mind and heart, but I certainly won’t do so till I’m ready.
Till then, please let me evolve with my religion.
Let me progress.
Let me take my time.
Don’t expect me to be perfect, because the last thing I am is perfect.
I understand that I have an influence on my muslim sisters, but that certainly does NOT mean that people are allowed to expect me to be a perfect muslim. I don’t know what world people are living in, to even think that’s okay.
Pray for me. Please do. I’ll appreciate every single dua’a. But the last thing people have the right to do, is to expect from me or any other hijabi blogger to be a perfect muslim for the sake of people.
There’s no point.
There’s no point in trying to be perfect for PEOPLE, can’t you see how dumb that sounds?
Majority of the followers of hijabi instagram bloggers (including my followers) follow us because of our physical beauty. Do not come here and tell me, or any other scarf-wearing blogger to be perfect.
I started dressing like I do now for the sake of Allah, and Alhamdulillah now I am much closer to Allah.
By wearing the jilbaab I was trying to be someone who i’m not, and my Lord knows the intentions I behold within.
People honestly need to stop, take a step back and look at everything from a bigger perspective.
Hijab is a process.
You. Simply. Cannot. Be. Perfect.
And people really do not have the audacity to expect that.
To all my supporters. I hope you all understand where I’m coming from.
If I’ve offended anybody I sincerely apologize.
I’m imperfect and I want all to know that.